Peer Pressure

I have been drinking and smoking again.

And the worst thing is, I don't know why.

I don't understand the reason why some people like to associate Friday night with beer and cigga.

These busters just couldn't do something that's healthier. E.g., playing volleyball.

I scarified my Friday volleyball session with this beer session. It sounds wrong, darling.

I miss myself. I miss the time when I was being myself. The Ian who's so Ian.

Yes. Ian. Just Ian.

ME

The wandering child, has learnt that a lake is created by many drops of water.

Yesterday.

Y.O.U

The girl who is beautiful inside.

I got carried away completely and couldn't be myself.

$11.95USD

13 songs for $11.95. Not bad.

So this is what recently I am into.

John H. Clarke, To Live.

面具的背后

我并不美，可是我接受这样的自己。

Employment

I've ironed all my long-sleeves shirts and get all my ties ready.

There are a total of 10 shirts and 8 ties hanging in my room now.

I'm ready. To start work on Monday. February 7, 2011.

Good luck.

7:30AM

Good Morning.

团圆饭

中午和晚餐。今天共吃了两顿团圆饭。

平时一个人吃饭。闲得清静。

新年快乐。

一封信

可能我本身就是一个很没有安全感的人，所以给不到你怎么样的安全感。

我不理你，你说我不理你。我没回复你，你就讨厌我。我去找朋友，你说我抛下你。可是当我抱你，你撇开我。我要吻你，你又不准许。我说我爱你，你说我在撒谎。我说我要你，你却说我不会要你很久。好了，那我不碰你了，你却又来刺激我的感官。

苦笑。

我真的不知道你要的是什么。好似，你永远都不满意我的答案。也不是你的错。因为我就是酱的一个人。或许你不是一个没有安全感的人，只是认识了我之后，突然失去了昔日的安全感。你说你想保护我，你想要疼我、要爱我，我都一一接受了。而到最后，灰心、气馁、绝望，掉头走了也不想回头的，也是你。

也不是你的错。在你之前，很多人都对我说了一模一样的话。而临走之前的情景，也跟你的差不多。你们都希望可以改变我、令我开朗起来。算了。不想提太多。总而言之，你们都走啦。

或许我们可以换一个比较逻辑的方式来思考。在短短的几个月内，有没有可能改变一个人几十年以来的处事方法与他的思考模式？当然有可能！可是成率会是多少？五个月跟二十年，哪能相比啊？想要这么容易就改变一个人，这想法会不会有点天真？不天真，也未免太奢侈了吧？

或许是我固执吧。如果这样想会比较容易接受的话。希望我的固执不会让你伤心太久。要知道，这决不是你的错。这也不是我的错。我们都没错。

至少我相信了一阵子。在你出现的那一段时间。你的付出没有白白浪费。虽然你决定走了，虽然我会回到起点。虽然。

没有刻意要令你抓狂，也没有兴趣看你发癫。我本来就是这样。你也知道的。你早都知道的。只是不知道为什么最近的现在，你开始看不顺眼了。

或许你累了。

去休息吧。

没有怪过你。

A Lie

I'm lonely, but not desperate.

Grey

抬头望向窗外。

天空是灰色的。

灰。淡淡的灰。

不要问我为什么。

Springfield, Massachusetts

This is where I'll pass by everyday and night when I go to work or back from work. Obviously in the America, they're driving on the right but not on the left. And for the round-about, it isn't called the round-about but rotary. Hmm.. what a name.

The rotary is counterclockwise

Yup. Here comes the beautiful bridge where I cross it almost everyday.

The river.

I hope you can see me in the picture below. Hehe. =)

罪人

你从来都不过问。

而她却问得太多。

从来你都只会任由我发挥，让我为自己的天空洒上缤纷灿烂的色彩；而她却无时无刻地随意加重我的负担，把我紧紧地逼压着，犹如牢锁在一个死胡同，加把沉重的枷锁。

气势凌人的狼狗在外监督，用它那锐利地目光盯着我上下打量。

我不害怕。我告诉自己。我不害怕。我坚持不要害怕。

思绪快速地在飞行。盘算着该怎么逃脱。

没用的。

一个声音飘了过来。不轻。该离我不太远。

我转过头，却看不见任何人。

没用的。

它又重复了一遍。

雨后的屋檐沾满了雨滴，凹凸不平的小巷都是积水，被困在死胡同般的囚犯显得格外凄凉。

高傲的狼狗仍在四周踏步，没有半个人影出现在湿答答的死胡同里。

没有人。

只有那个被捆绑在角落处的囚犯。

平凡

今天休假。公司安排的。没有去哪儿玩。也没有想跟谁谁谁巴西的中国的或新加坡的去那里这里那边这边嬉戏疯狂去。

就呆在家。安静。一个人。做我平常爱做的事。

对。做爱做的事。

一个人。少了吉它。

寂静

当初，我不明白为何我俩会分开；

现在，我不明白为何在我孤单一个人的时候会想起你。

HI

Dear YOU,

Hi, this is Ian. Nothing but to say hi. I'm here alone sitting at the Hong Kong International Airport in the business class lounge. I suppose to be on the plane to Chicago at this moment. Yet due to the exceed number of passenger, I volunteered to take the next flight since I'm not in a rush; while 400USD were given to me as compensation plus other benefits like having the access to all facilities in the business class lounge etc while waiting for the next flight. My final destination is actually Hartford in Massachusetts. Remember I told you I want to attend the work and travel program? Ya, it is happening right now.

It was 35hours of flight including transits but now it's added up to 48hours. Wow. I don't really care as long as I arrive Hartford before 5pm on Monday, US time. While receiving 400USD as an extra... Haha. I'd never expect such scenario would take place in the first flying journey in my life!

I feel like winning a lottery when they announced that 400USD will be given as compensation. I just need more time to come to accept the fact.

I've graduated in early February. I was jobless for the past few months just waiting for today. I backed home in January as the contract ended in December. My temper turns so badly especially my mom wanted to talk to me. I wish I could walk out of her further and further away. I felt so extremely good when I left her in the airport and continue the journey by myself. Just myself. The last question that I reserved for myself is, if she passed away, will my tears fall? Put it aside for a second. Well, while my girlfriend decided to break up few weeks ago which was not anything new. Though I didn't bring it up, it doesn't mean that she won't.

Sitting in the higher class lounge, I can view the planes flying into the sky very clearly. Vividly. I feel so excited whenever there's a plane depart. Simply excited. Life is always full of joy. I may never have second chance to take bath in the airport while tower, shampoo and everything is provided free to me. Haha. It was so out of my mind.

Regards,

Ian

小男孩搭飞机记

我觉得好平静。

这才是我要走的路。

第一次察觉到，自己的路真好走。

好开心。

9:10pm

15 May 2010

KLIA, waiting for the flight at 9:45pm in the lounge.

对面坐了两个日本人，说着我不明白的异乡话。而其他乘客不是埋头干着自己的东西，就是在四处张望。可是这一切对我而言，却是那么地熟悉，好似我就在这陌生的环境中长大。不曾相识却又这么地贴近，这种感觉倒令我觉得有点诡异。第一次这么近距离地观望着窗外宏伟的飞机，觉得好兴奋。这该会是我生命中最难忘的其中一幕了。嗯。。。

八点钟的早课

天色开始微亮了。

躺在车里。坐垫被调下了。拿了个抱枕当枕头。

七点钟。早晨。在大学的露天停车场。

用棉衣盖着头睡觉。总觉得有人在外观望。

搞得我睡得一点也不安宁。

拉下毛衣。突出了被蚊子咬伤的头部。

还是没有离开毛衣的温暖。虽然有种自欺欺人的安全感。

你会否过来坐在我的身旁，用你那温柔的手轻抚我的头部？

如果有那么一天，当你上学时经过我正在里面睡觉的车子。

如果有那么一天，当你上学时发现有个人在车子里睡觉。

如果有那么一天，当你上学时发现正在睡觉的那个人是我。

如果有那么一天。就如果。

为什么会有白色的鸽子飞过，在这样的时刻？

它会为我捎来你的消息吗?

该走了。我会想你。和谢谢你的付出。我爱你。

安全地带

落寞的游子

不羁的性格

疲累不堪的身躯

不分昼夜地赶路

带着牵肠挂肚地叮咛

踏足素不相识的他乡

痛彻心扉地割舍

誓要逃脱那温室小花的命运

割断了缠绵千年的情丝

释放了旧日相恋的爱人

期待中傲阳高照的明天

满腔地热诚在絮絮绽放

休止符

向昨日的三年九个月与十八日，画上一个句点。

再见了。

祝你安好。